caning

I do not know what this young woman, who was lashed to the boards, did to upset my mother (who just so happens to be the dictator of a small country) so badly, but my mom handed me the riding crop and with a face contorted in wrath, she screamed at me, "BEND HER OVER!"

mirror fight with ashton kutcher over katie holms

I must have had a rough night last night, because it is all seeming very hazy and I am having trouble remembering exactly what happened. All I know is that I was eating at a Mexican restaurant with my mom enjoying dinner. The mariachi band was playing and we had the most delicious fajitas. We were just eating and talking, laughing and generally having a good time. The horchata tasted a little funny and when I got to the bottom of my drink there was a little raffle ticket saying that I had won a free dinner that night! This was great, as free food is almost always better than food that you pay for, but like they say, "there is no such thing as a free lunch."

We left the restaurant and I started feeling really sick. I think that whatever the raffle ticket was made of had dissolved into my drink and was making me a little delirious. I walked into some building and saw Katie Holmes sitting there and in my delirious state, went up to hit on her. I was making some great progress and had her eating out of the palm of my hands, laughing at all my jokes, when Ashton Kutcher came over and told me that was his girl. I told him to back off and he did not like that at all. He pushed me, so I pushed him back and he slammed against a mirror, shattering it to the floor. We both picked up shards of mirror and started slashing at each other. How barbaric! All this over stupid Katie Holmes. We slashed and punched, kicked and bit. This went on for so long that we were both exhausted, bloodied, sweaty, and breathing heavy. I still was not feeling up to par and was lucky to have held him off, even getting so good jabs of my mirror into his side. As we paused, we talked and decided that she was not worth it, so we shook hands and went home. I am not sure if I am still sick or if it is the stab wound, but I me stomach still hurts.

where is ... the baby?

Time seriously flies. I cannot believe that all in the past year my good friend Sadie divorced, we dated, got married, AND had a baby. We have always been very close and even dated before our respective marriages. When she went through her divorce, I was there to console her and help her through it. I guess the spark was reignited because things happened very fast after that.

After work one day last week, I went to my parents house because Sadie was hanging out with my mom doing some art project. I walked in and said hello, kissing my wife, but noticed that our baby was not there. Inquiring, I asked, "Where is ... the baby?" For the life of me, I could not recall my child's name. I was searching and searching. I thought that I must be a terrible father if I cannot even remember my own child's name, but no matter how hard I tried, I could not come up with it. Oh, the look that Sadie gave me when I called it "the baby!"

I decided that I would rather go play with my friends instead of hanging around getting "the eye," so I drove down to see my friends at some random park. I noticed that there were a couple of yellow cars down the street and remembered this for later when we would leave, so that I could beat everybody at "Yellow car, I win" (the best game ever.) We all chatted for a while and when it was time to leave, the only person that jumped in my car was Galina. I drove away with her, called the yellow cars, and subsequently realized that the Russian did not play the greatest of all games, so I turned around a dropped her back off at the park. My friends all decided that they wanted to skate over to the Dover church building to play some basketball. President Slater was there leading the pack and I honestly just wanted to see him skate. I started bombing the hill by the park, picking up a lot of speed, when I realized that I did not have my sliding gloves on and I was fast approaching a four-way stop. The light turned red, so I went down and slid on my bare hands. When I stood, I was unscathed. Good thing too, because I am sure that I would have gotten an earful had I come home all cut up, still forgetting my baby's name.

i want my mexican baby back

Gas prices are ridiculously high right now. I cannot believe it; when I went to fill up my tank two weeks ago, it cost me over $4 / gallon! What is even worse is that someday I will be rereading this post and say to myself, "Wow! Only $4 / gallon; I wish that gas was that cheap now." All I can do now is to fill up at the cheapest station that I can find in order to save myself a quarter each time I fill up. That is exactly what my mom and I were trying to do yesterday as we wasted gas, driving around, looking for the cheapest station. We were in Costa Mesa and she promised me that there was a station by Fashion Island that was selling Premium for 30 cents. I told her that there was no possible way that a gas station would be selling gas for that cheap, but she would not have it. She basically forced me to drive around the bay to this gas station despite all protests on my part. I thought it ridiculous to drive that far for gas, especially when I knew it was not any cheaper over there, not to mention I would probably run out before we got there.

So, my mom and I drive around the bay and find this mystery gas station that she has been talking about and we are about a mile away when my car runs out of gas. So close that we could see the station up ahead, but I did not have enough momentum to roll up the hill to it. We walked the rest of the way to the station and when we got to it, low and behold, gas was over $4 just like everywhere else. There was a bus station next to the gas station, so we decided to ride the bus home and just leave the car. This way we would save money on gas. What a great plan.

There we were, riding the bus, which was crowded and stinky, just like every other bus that I have ever ridden (I have only ridden buses in Thailand.) As the bus attendant came around to collect the fair, he started spouting off, "Oh F*! I'm so freakin' sorry. We have to reroute through the transportation hub in Westminster and we just had a terrorist threat there, so you're looking at a freakin' four hour layover!" He continued, dropping expletives, so I turned to look out the window and tune him out.

We were driving down MacArthur passing Bonita Creek and as I was looking out the window, I noticed that we were driving up next to a convertible Mini Clubman and there was a rather large monkey tied up in the back seat. I thought this had to be the strangest sight that I have seen in Newport, until we pulled up a little bit further and I saw an entire family of four monkeys in the front seat. The papa monkey just looked at me and smiled and as the mama monkey on the far side turned toward me, I saw a human baby in her arms. Apparently, the other cars noticed this as well, because all the cars around us started to drive as close to the Mini as possible in order to take pictures. Everyone seemed to have a professional camera with great big, long zoom lenses.

The rest of the bus ride was uneventful, but when we got to the Westminster bus station I met up with two friends and started chatting. We did not want to wait for four more hours to get home, so one of them decided that he would just transport us home like Mike TV in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. The next thing I knew, I felt myself hurling through the air, but could not see anything. I found myself in a huge room standing by the ankle of a sleeping giant. I was lucky that I was transported and reassembled in an open space. My other two friends, however, were not as lucky. They were now stuck inside the ankle of this slumbering giant and were yelling for help. I think the banging of my friends caused such intense pain that they woke this giant up. She started moaning and clutching her ankle, crying out with pain. The more she moved, the more my friends yelled and pounded from within her skin and it was not getting any better.

did you read my first post?

I just wanted to get out of there, so I ran out the door and found that I was next door to my own apartment. I walked in the front door to find that someone had been in there. My things had been overturned and for some reason someone had erected a Christmas tree, complete with lights and ornaments, in my backyard. I walked through my room and into my bathroom, where wooden cutting boards had been screwed into the counter tops, hanging over the edge. The water was running and there were bubbles in the bathtub. One of the boards supported a little TV set, which was turned on. I stood there long enough to watch a preview of a new movie coming out starring Rob Schneider. I was so discombobulated that I don't remember the preview, except for the end. I heard the narrator with the extremely deep voice say, "... starring Rob Schneider in ...," as Rob comes running around the corner and up to the front door of an apartment building in the slums of Queens and says, "I want my Mexican baby back!"

i love technology

I have moved to many different houses in Newport Beach growing up, but my parents and family made each one of those a home. Other than the home in Corona del Mar on Jasmine Avenue that I was born and raised in, my favorite home was the one on Vista Grande. I had so many memories there and spent much of high school, college, and the time before my mission in that home. So, as you may deduce, I was very excited to be able to go back and visit recently. The home is located on a hill, so you walk in the front door on the second floor and can walk downstairs to the first floor, which has a door to our backyard (wow; that was a mouthful.)

During my last visit, I walked in the front door and heard music coming from downstairs. I went down to the first floor and noticed that there had been some remodeling and the living room now extended to the left into Malia’s old room. There stood a beautiful grand piano where Malia was playing and my mom was singing. I sat listening, not realizing that Malia could play the piano and watched as my mom sang herself to sleep. I thought this was odd that one could actually sing themselves to sleep, not to mention the fact that Malia was playing piano beautifully, and was getting a little weirded-out, so I stepped into my own bedroom to the right.

As I walked into my room, I noticed that there were now mirrors on every wall and I could see forever in every direction, like a county fair’s funhouse. I also saw that there was a new side door leading out of the room. As this house shared a wall with the neighbor, I can only imagine that it lead into their house. I was greeted by Berley and Lauren Jarvie who were exercising. Kim was just sitting on the floor doing Yoga while checking herself out in the mirror and Lauren was standing by the other door in streamline position. Lauren started cavorting about in what looked like some sort of tribal dance. She started by jumping up and down whilst kicking her legs. Then the jumping stopped and she broke out into a river dance, all the while holding her streamline position. I watched, quite entertained, for a bit when all of a sudden, Lauren let out a gasp and ran out the side door saying that she needed desperately to change her outfit because it, "just wasn’t working."

did you read my first post?

Berley said she needed to leave and walked out of my room. I followed and stopped in the living room to wake my mom up and let her know that I’d be back soon. I tried to wake my mom, but she wouldn’t budge, so I left and went upstairs. I walked upstairs and out the front door, but could not find Berley to say goodbye, so I ambled across the street to where my car was parked in a carport. My Mini Cooper was parked next to my parents flame-painted minivan, both had their windows down. I grabbed my cell phone in its old school Nintendo controller case and my new iPhone. I wanted to send Berley a text goodbye, but as I stood there contemplating which one I should use to text her, I was distracted by an old Chinese man walking toward me yelling in Chinese. I placed the Nintendo phone in my Mini and the iPhone in the van and walked over to him. He started going off at me and I just stared at him with a blank look on my face. I had no idea what he was trying to communicate and was getting more confused by the second. It did not help any when his even older mother came out of the house behind him and joined in on the yelling. I thought a single person screaming at me in Chinese was hard to understand and bear, but the addition of a second had me thoroughly confused. In the confusion my dad slipped into my Mini and drove away. I saw him leave and was a bit distraught, never having let anyone drive my car before, so I left the yelling Chinese people and jumped into the van giving chase.

I never did catch up to him (obviously on account of the Mini Cooper S’ speed), so gave up and drove to my office instead. Gavan was waiting for me there and someone else that I didn’t recognize. I sat down on my couch and pulled out my iPhone to send Berley a text message, when I realized that I did not have her number on my new phone yet. In fact, I did not have anyone’s phone number on my phone. As I was messing around with the functionality of my new toy, I discovered that it had a preloaded flight simulator on it. I clicked on the icon to open the game up, the projector above my head turned on, and the wall lit up showing what was on the screen of my iPhone. It must have detected the signal from my gadget and started up automatically. Isn’t technology wonderful? As I scrolled on the touch screen of my phone, I shifted my gaze up to the screen and saw some of the most awesome graphics ever.

The opening screen of the flight simulator was a bird’s eye view of my plane sitting on the runway. There was a message on the screen that said "Refuel." I clicked the message and immediately, was zooming down to view my plane. It was a dog-fighting video game and as I got closer and closer I saw other planes flying past my view, leaving trails of smoke behind them. By the looks of the planes, this was obviously set in the future. As the view approached my plane, I saw myself accelerating down the runway, and the camera angle was directly behind my plane, getting closer. My cockpit looked like a fighter ship straight out of a Star Wars Movie, but the back portion was completely hinged and looked like the back half of an El Camino with mini wings. It was painted yellow and brown in a camouflaged pattern. As my plane hurled down the runway and lifted off, the camera angle entered into the cockpit and I found myself actually in the game, holding the stick in my own hands, looking around at the controls, climbing into the sky. The sky was darkened to a red, yellow, and brownish hue from the thick smoke and clouds surrounding me. As I followed what I think is my squadron up into the smoke and clouds, there are other jets darting in and out of the sky, passing within a couple of meters of my plane all leaving twisted smoky trails. There are thousands of them, like swarming bees and I cannot tell who is friendly and who is the enemy. We are climbing higher and higher into the darkened sky toward a ceiling of clouds and upon entering the cloud, I distinctly remember thinking that fly Mach Five with only a few meters visibility would be a wonderful way to die.

We break free of the clouds and I am temporarily blinded by the bright sun. I see those around me begin to slow and I likewise ease off the throttle. The camera angle changes again and I am outside of my plane watching as the squadron decelerates. As I get to the crest of my accent, I notice that my jet hinges and halfway doubles up on itself like an Olympic diver in the pike position. Apparently, my plane can do this in order to corner and turn tighter. After the turn, it stretches back out and begins to dive down through the clouds once again. I see my plane turn into an electric blue color and it hurtles faster and faster toward the surface and I reenter my cockpit. I see missiles whizzing past me as I expertly maneuver to avoid them and recognize the enemy because they are the ones trying to shoot me down. I engage, darting and weaving between jets and explosions. Taking many enemy fighters down, I feel like Maverick and invincible. Then I see a wall of what must be a dozen missiles headed straight at me. I weave through three or four of them, but the fifth clips my wing and time seemingly slows down as the sixth barrels directly into my nose. I manage to eject in time to see my plane explode beneath me and as I hurtle away, I pull my ripcord. The string breaks and my reserve shoot does not open. As I fall with my back toward the Earth, I see the fight above me getting further away. I see explosions all around me, then get smaller as I fall and fall. I take in all the red and brown smoke, the beautiful, bright, fiery blasts; floating in the beauty of it all and then, blackness.